Legal Wits Gifts

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

'The tests indicate you've been exposed to a new idea.'

'I'm a doctor... This man needs someone who can grant me immunity from liability, and fast.'

"Where do you get your inspiration?"

"And then bear left at the war memorial, first right down Newton road and St Luke's is straight ahead."

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

'Can't you ever forget you're a lawyer? When I said 'Sue my wife' I was making an introduction!'

'Your report captures the long and short of it, O'Toole; but it's lacking in breadth and depth.'

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

Bow first.

"No, I don't think your decisions are too Draconian. Do you think my decisions are too Draconian?"

"Yes, Peters, it is just legalese. It's all just legalese. We're a law firm."

When Pyromaniacs Buy A Home: 'This is a great starter home.'

'Do you, Tenured, take this, Untenured, through sickness and health, to have and to hold from this day forward?'

"They call the dollar stable and you know what's in the stable."

'Ejection, your Honor!!'

'Landmark book deal.'

It appears the robots have skipped consciousness and gone straight to self-consciousness.

Hearse on an emergency

"Permission to reproach the bench" is not an option, counselor. It should be.

"Philip Larkin wouldn't like you, either."

'Before I give you your bill, Mr Fraser, can I ask you to step onto the crash-mat.'

Recycled humor.

"It's from the hospital. They write that the warranty on your heart expires next Thursday. They wish you a hearty farewell!"

'I hear he won the Pulitzer for mathematics. Or was it the Emmy?'

STRIP Hambone: Stolen laptops