Legal Storyteller Gifts

'I realize that hearsay evidence isn't admissible by the court, Your Honor, but you're going to love this!'

'Sir, we have a problem. The attorney section is totally overcrowded!' (demon to Satan)

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

"I see you're an ex televangelist who would like to stay in sales."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

Tell me a deposition, mommy.

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

Loopholes

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

Fairtale prosecutions.

Justice

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

"I'm sorry, Master, but all my offers to grant your wishes are invalid under the laws of your state."

Wall of Office Memories

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."