Lawful Storyteller Gifts

"Hey – where's the camera crew??"

Trial by Media

What do you mean, "Did I try anything funny?"

"Now that's a win."

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

Yawning barristers in court

Tell me a deposition, mommy.

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

The annual running of the lawyers.

'Sir, we have a problem. The attorney section is totally overcrowded!' (demon to Satan)

No offense intended your honor…It just seemed like this case screamed for a frivolous law suit…

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"It's the terrifying story of a publisher brutally murdered by an author who had his book rejected."

Out of Court Settlement

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

'What could I have done? The defence's motion was written on legal tender.'

'I believe it's 'feed a fever and starve a lawyer.''

"Your honor, my client is a very respectable blood-sucking pest."

"...and how long have you been a smoked Kipper Grader?"

'And that m'lord concludes the case for the defence. . . '

"Yes, you were found guilty of the same crime in 2004."

'But you told me to try and look innocent.'

Law Offices: Slip & Trip & Fall formerly Slip & Fall.

"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."

'Divorces ‘R Us' is etched in stone on a courthouse.

'We're eleven to one. May we borrow the murder weapon?'