Lawful Storyteller T-Shirts

"Hey – where's the camera crew??"

Trial by Media

What do you mean, "Did I try anything funny?"

"Now that's a win."

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

Yawning barristers in court

Tell me a deposition, mommy.

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

The annual running of the lawyers.

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'Sir, we have a problem. The attorney section is totally overcrowded!' (demon to Satan)

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"It's the terrifying story of a publisher brutally murdered by an author who had his book rejected."

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'

Out of Court Settlement

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

'I believe it's 'feed a fever and starve a lawyer.''

"...and how long have you been a smoked Kipper Grader?"

"Your honor, my client is a very respectable blood-sucking pest."

'What could I have done? The defence's motion was written on legal tender.'

'And that m'lord concludes the case for the defence. . . '

"Yes, you were found guilty of the same crime in 2004."

'But you told me to try and look innocent.'

"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."

Law Offices: Slip & Trip & Fall formerly Slip & Fall.

'Divorces ‘R Us' is etched in stone on a courthouse.

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

Richard gets the third degree.