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"Could my client be innocent? Probably not. My point is it's interesting to think about."

"A unique and stirring plea, counselor."

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

Will give expert witness testimony for food

'So what can I do for you, Mr McNuggets?'

'Permission to treat the witness as a hostile, self-important, arrogant jackass.'

"Good news. Your execution was overturned on appeal."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

'Evidence, shmevidence - Next!'

"Please confine your testimony to "Yes" or "No" answers and skip the "Nevermore" stuff, OK?"

"Your Honor, the relevance of this line of questioning will become apparent in a moment."

"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."

Trial by Media

'Would you kindly repeat for the judge, who is a lawyer...and for your attorney, who is a lawyer, the lawyer joke that caused my client, who is a lawyer...to punch you in the mouth.'

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

'I'm part of the drug culture. All I ask is that you respect cultural diversity.'

'Divorces ‘R Us' is etched in stone on a courthouse.

'Lying in court is a very serious matter, Mr. Fusco.'

An identity thief takes the stand.

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

"Do you swaer to tell half-truths and nothing but half-truths?"

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

"That's correct, Sir, for one month only a special buy one get one free offer on super injunctions."

'Just look at my felonies! I resent being called a common criminal.'

JD Satansky. Attorney at Law, Specializing in Moral Bankruptcies.

'We find the defendant guilty of the hanky, but not the panky.'

'Oh, it gets worse. You've been selected for jury duty.'

'I'm off to the loo....I'll be back in £270!'

"Sorry we're late, Your Honor. My watch seems to be missing."

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'

'It's the scariest costume Dad could think of...Mom's attorney.'

'Perhaps we should have added airholes to the 'Lawyer of the Month' showcase.'

'Your honor, we find the defendant guilty. But, we think the prosecutor deserves a good kick in the pants!'