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"Could my client be innocent? Probably not. My point is it's interesting to think about."

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to call to the stand an unequaled expert witness of exceptional excellence. Put your hands together. Give it up..."

"A unique and stirring plea, counselor."

Will give expert witness testimony for food

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

'So what can I do for you, Mr McNuggets?'

'Permission to treat the witness as a hostile, self-important, arrogant jackass.'

"Good news. Your execution was overturned on appeal."

'Evidence, shmevidence - Next!'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

"Please confine your testimony to "Yes" or "No" answers and skip the "Nevermore" stuff, OK?"

"Your Honor, the relevance of this line of questioning will become apparent in a moment."

Trial by Media

"Objection overacted."

'Would you kindly repeat for the judge, who is a lawyer...and for your attorney, who is a lawyer, the lawyer joke that caused my client, who is a lawyer...to punch you in the mouth.'

"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."

"My client requests a change of venue to a jurisdiction where his criminal activities are not a crime."

'Lying in court is a very serious matter, Mr. Fusco.'

'I'm part of the drug culture. All I ask is that you respect cultural diversity.'

"Do you swaer to tell half-truths and nothing but half-truths?"

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

'Divorces ‘R Us' is etched in stone on a courthouse.

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

An identity thief takes the stand.

'Your honor, we find the defendant guilty. But, we think the prosecutor deserves a good kick in the pants!'

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"That's correct, Sir, for one month only a special buy one get one free offer on super injunctions."

'We're eleven to one. May we borrow the murder weapon?'

'We find the defendant guilty of the hanky, but not the panky.'

'It's the scariest costume Dad could think of...Mom's attorney.'

'Perhaps we should have added airholes to the 'Lawyer of the Month' showcase.'

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

"Sorry we're late, Your Honor. My watch seems to be missing."

'Oh, it gets worse. You've been selected for jury duty.'

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'