Legal Laugh-seekers Gifts

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

Creative Lawyers: Our Rates - Justice $300 per hour/Appearance of Justice $1000 per hour.

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'If you can't afford a media adviser the court will appoint you one.'

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

'Overruled, you may continue.'

'I'm in for burglarizing a store, but I got a reduced sentence because I only stole sale items.'

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

Judge chasing fly with gavel.

"I get that quite a bit. Actually, I'm a lawyer."

'Is your client qualified to give a urine sample.'

Prosecutor's Office. The judge threw out the confession --- He said it was coerced. You violated the duress code!

Law of the Jungle: Tarzan the Litigation Man.

'Do you mean LAWYER?'

"We find the defendant guilty on all charges, Your Honor. On the positive side, we really liked his openness and energy."

'It all started when I told him I resented people calling lawyers assholes, because I'm an asshole.'

"My client claims the verdict discriminates against guilty people."

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

"When I said I wanted him for the firm 'dead or alive' the emphasis was on 'alive'."

'...please instruct the puppet to remain silent and let the witness answer for himself.'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'Well, if you DNA made you do it, I'm sentencing your DNA to thirty years in prison.'

Where legal teams but their outfits.

"It was 'im wot ruffled me bonce, judge, as I was politely getting into 'is car."

"I can assure you, Your Honor, my client isn't a flight risk."

'Equal protection of the law, my foot! -- That was RANK discrimination against bank robbers!'

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'Before your honor passes sentence, is the anything my client could do for extra credit, if you know what I mean?'

Do Not Bring Frivolous Lawsuits Against Cats!!!

You ought to be in the funny papers, counselor. That was yet another hilarious objection. Overruled, of course.