Legal Jargon Humorist Gifts

"Quick! Get down to legal! The boilerplate has sprung a leak."

Fiction Non-fiction Lawyer Talk

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

Barristers

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Bailiff."

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

"We make crime pay."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

A baby in court

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

Loopholes

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'