Legal Humor Fan Gifts

'No, I said 'paralegals'.'

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

'I don't do 'slip and fall,' but if you're ever in need of a good tax attorney...'

'100 hours of community service?- I won't have to be on the school board, will I?'

'Acquitted. Acquitted. Acquitted. Very impressive.'

Solicitor tells cats: 'It's unorthodox, I know, but old Mrs Featherstone has left her entire estate to her immediate family.'

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

'It's life Jim, but not as you knew it,'

'To cut down on malpractice suits, my colleague, Dr. Hand, will do all the talking...'

'Your wife hasn't broken the law, professor - she can leave you even if you do have tenure.'

"By breaking the seal on this dress, you accept the terms and conditions printed on my panties."

'Let's agree to disagree.'

'Your honor, my client is willing to agree to a divorce provided she can continue living with his money.'

America's Funniest Supreme Court Decisions

"Your Honor! I object. Your line of questioning is making my client look really bad."

What barristers/attorneys are really thinking - "Beer."

'They're generic nametags. We're all from the 'Women Trial Lawyers' Association of Washtenaw County.'

"As bigots, let us frown upon same sex marriage. As solicitors, let us enjoy the handsome fees same sex divorce will generate!"

"...And I'm sentencing you to two additional years because your book about the crime was plagiarised."

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

"Well, I'm not really one to judge. . ."

Judge Watching 'Bewigged'

Your New Year's resolutions were ruled unconstitutional.

Objection! Overruled. Exception!

"At the time of the incident, I was employed in the Dunbar house as a pet."

"I'm not that kind of pro-Bono lawyer."

"I charge by the grain."

Today, Human Rights Watch sued a man named Santa Claus for discrimination against his employees by calling them 'dwarfs'.

'We offer complimentary fruit baskets instead of pro bono work.'

'Your verdict has to be 'guilty' or 'not guilty' -- it can't be 'Die, yuppie scum!''

'Well, well -- this IS a surprise witness!'

'And if you enjoyed my summation you're going to love my new CD, 'The Very Best Summations of Walter J. Prescott'!'

'Wait a minute — weren't you in here last month with a paternity suit?'

'My client is willing to endure raised eyebrows from the general public for his behaviour.'

'Do you seriously expect the court to believe that you don't recall?'