Legal Humor Fan Pillows

'No, I said 'paralegals'.'

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

'I don't do 'slip and fall,' but if you're ever in need of a good tax attorney...'

'100 hours of community service?- I won't have to be on the school board, will I?'

'Acquitted. Acquitted. Acquitted. Very impressive.'

Solicitor tells cats: 'It's unorthodox, I know, but old Mrs Featherstone has left her entire estate to her immediate family.'

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

"By breaking the seal on this dress, you accept the terms and conditions printed on my panties."

'Your wife hasn't broken the law, professor - she can leave you even if you do have tenure.'

'To cut down on malpractice suits, my colleague, Dr. Hand, will do all the talking...'

'Your honor, my client is willing to agree to a divorce provided she can continue living with his money.'

America's Funniest Supreme Court Decisions

"As bigots, let us frown upon same sex marriage. As solicitors, let us enjoy the handsome fees same sex divorce will generate!"

'They're generic nametags. We're all from the 'Women Trial Lawyers' Association of Washtenaw County.'

What barristers/attorneys are really thinking - "Beer."

"Your Honor! I object. Your line of questioning is making my client look really bad."

Today, Human Rights Watch sued a man named Santa Claus for discrimination against his employees by calling them 'dwarfs'.

"...And I'm sentencing you to two additional years because your book about the crime was plagiarised."

'We offer complimentary fruit baskets instead of pro bono work.'

"I charge by the grain."

"I'm not that kind of pro-Bono lawyer."

Judge Watching 'Bewigged'

"At the time of the incident, I was employed in the Dunbar house as a pet."

Your New Year's resolutions were ruled unconstitutional.

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

"Well, I'm not really one to judge. . ."

'Do you seriously expect the court to believe that you don't recall?'

'Could you tell the court if you recognize this.'

'My client is willing to endure raised eyebrows from the general public for his behaviour.'

'Well, well -- this IS a surprise witness!'

'The prisons are full, so we're going to chain you to a mailbox.'

Not guilty? -well, exCUUSE ME!

'Wait a minute — weren't you in here last month with a paternity suit?'

'And if you enjoyed my summation you're going to love my new CD, 'The Very Best Summations of Walter J. Prescott'!'

'Your verdict has to be 'guilty' or 'not guilty' -- it can't be 'Die, yuppie scum!''