Law Laughingstock Pillows

'We had to bring a judge out of retirement, but we got you a speedy trial.'

A baby in court

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

Corporate Lawyers

"Whereupon the defendant let out a very sharp, hard-edged laugh that fell to the floor and painfully injured the plaintiff's right foot!"

All together now! Let's sing our decision!

We Remove Lawyer Residue

"I can assure you, Your Honor, that my client knocked over the liquor store with the best of intentions."

Courtroom. Next time I wouldn't say "Convincingly, I hope" when the judge asks how you plead.

It is illegal to fall asleep under a hairdryer in Florida.

'Any chance of making this a 'catch and release', officer?'

'A limited partnership? It means you can't sue or skim.'

"The jury will disregard the defendant's statement that he will donate 100% of his criminal earnings to the Concerned Mobsters for Eritrea Fund!"

"Having a real pitbull for an attorney was great...at first."

Pleading the fifth is one thing, counselor. Drinking it is quite another.

Man looking at the cartes de visite of the lawyers in chancery lane

Warning: Quitting smoking now will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

HEY!

'I wonder what that knocking noise is.'

"You declared him to be a hostile witness, your honor."

'Well, if you DNA made you do it, I'm sentencing your DNA to thirty years in prison.'

'Sorry, Mr. Weinbaum, but you should have said 'Simon says not guilty.''

'Unzip your pants. . .while you're here, I want to pay up my bill in full.'

"I can assure you, Your Honor, my client isn't a flight risk."

If injury lawyers said what they really mean.

"Are you aware under the new terrorism laws I can hold you without charge for up to 90 days?"

"I'm your Fairy God lawyer and will grant you three Gloria Allreds."

You ought to be in the funny papers, counselor. That was yet another hilarious objection. Overruled, of course.

"Case dismissed for obvious reasons."

'What about all the crimes I am innocent of?'

The day begins at the copyright office - "Morning Jeff(TM)"...