Laugh-at-wait-confidence Pillows

"You took your time!"

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

King and Jester

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"Lost most of my sight, hearing, teeth and hair. Thank God I still god my driver license."

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'Oh dear, it looks like the men have been talking about work again.'

Kid has pot stuck on his head.

"Open mike night"

'You are here' T-shirt,

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

Carpet cleaning

It was the last time Colin would buy anything online!

"You sure you've done this before."

"It's just the milk talking."

Fish Pedicure

'Summited Mount Everest, did you? Was that just the one time?'

Parroting

'Here's your new diet.' - 'A stick of celery?' - 'Lick it once at breakfast, once at lunchtime.' - 'And then eat it for dinner, right?' - 'Not until Week 6' - 'Gah.'