Lateness Survivor Gifts

'For a minute there I thought he was going to make it.'

"I don't understand it! My nerd detector's going crazy!"

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was fine. I just don't like any of you and don't want to be here."

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

Do not feed the clerks.

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

'Excuse me, but is there any chance of finding me a decaffeinated clerk?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"Wait!"

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

"If Foucault's Pendulum is correct - 15 degrees per sidereal hour times the side of the latitude - then I'm an hour late for lunch."

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

'Sorry I'm late, Fred. I forgot to plug in the car.'

'I hear a pet can help prolong your life. Got any that know the Heimlich maneuver?'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

'Of course I care, madam!'

"The lines are a bit slow today...so here's something to help pass the time!"

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"You're home from work now Dear, you can go back on your default setting."

"She's asking if it's fresh-squeezed. Should I tell her to f**k off?"

'And why do you want a refund on that calendar?'

"You can stop holding sir, everyone has gone home."

Train Arrivals

"sometimes it gets lonely being self employed and working alone."

'You're not really into this, are you Mahoney?'

Complaint clerk presses button to drop customer through trap door

'Sorry I'm late - traffic was insane.'

"Sixteen geo-coordinated gadgets and still you're late."

"Your call is important to us."

Patronising Department