Latecomer Laugher Pillows

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

Coast to coast.

Jim's Mowing Services

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

Jury Bribes.

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

'The computer must be on the blink if it sent a questionnaire to him!'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

Bad Ant Joke

"It's amazing how they manage to endure despite all the lineup changes."

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

Escaping surgery.

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

'I can't get this laptop to work.'

"You bite me again and I'll sue."

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

"That's OK. I'll get the next one."

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

'I don't teach my students about the Bill of Rights any more -- it just makes them unruly.'

"Well, the satnav said turn left."

'Mine is a rags to riches story. Actually, it's more like an off-the-rack to a $20 billion family hedge fund story.'