Law Laugher Pillows

'I don't teach my students about the Bill of Rights any more -- it just makes them unruly.'

'It's always WITNESS protection programs! -- How come they never have CRIMINAL protection programs?'

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

Jury Bribes.

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

Police Lineup Escape

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

"We the jury, find the defendant to be as guilty as he looks."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

'Just a little off the top.'

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

Jim's Mowing Services

'The computer must be on the blink if it sent a questionnaire to him!'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

Bad Ant Joke

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

Escaping surgery.

Please Keep Pets on Leash.

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

'I can't get this laptop to work.'