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David Letterman

Showbiz Awards

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"That concludes our broadcast day. Go to bed."

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID MAMET

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

Letterman Show: 'He's always been at my side...the one consonant in my life...'

Jerry Springer of biblical times.

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

Larry King

Dr. Phil takes it home.

Obama: The Other White Meat

Men discussing a book on a chat show