Last-minute Salvation Planner Gifts

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Can you change this quiz grade from an A to a C? I like to keep expectations low until I blow my parents' mind by acing the final exam."

The end of summer is near and you still haven't made plans

Squirrel putting nuts in a safe box.

'...so if we can save enough maybe, just maybe, next year we'll be migrating courtesy of British Airways.'

"I'm thinking that now is a good time to start those tutoring sessions."

Man proposes holding a balloon.

"Gee, Dave, a proposal to balance the budget wasn't really what I was expecting."

'These guys aren't playing by the rules!!!'

'To prepare for Y2K, I backed up all discs and documents. . . stockpiled water and non-perishables. . . converted my investments to cash and set up a wood burning stove.'

Zombie Fish

"He's given up trying to find anything else he can cut to reach 40% savings."

'Sold the Harley, opened up an offshore account and topped up our investments.'

"And then yesterday, I had an epiphany: The best way for me to overcome my paralyzing fear of a global ecological/economic collapse is to find a way to turn it into a lucrative career!"

"Can't you read? Our shipment is late."

"Oh, Gary, they're beautiful!"

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

"I'll pencil you in for recess."

"But. . . You always wanted a cat! Okay, maybe I shouldn't have packed your present five months ago. . ."

'Darling, I told you not to call me at work.'

'My backup special...'

The final days of hair coloring

'The end is near.'

'If the Mayan calendar is right, how should I back up my files?'

"The scariest part is knowing that someday something'll come along that will make us go, 'Even the spider mutants weren't this bad.' "

"It's my life line in case the rapture happens, so I'm not left behind."

"My cousin is lucky, he lives on the 14th floor. I'm sure he has a great view of the end of the world."

Ok, I've set you up with an offshore back account, so you can hide your valuables for use after the oncoming apocalypse. You're too kind, sir. Where is it? Caymans? Switzerland? That's amateur stuff. The economy's increasingly global. When America goes down, it could take the Swiss and Cayman economies down with it. Then where – To open your account, I'll need your passport, tax returns, and a map of your genome. Bank of Deneb Prime. Trump turned me on to it.

'So much for Plan B!'

'Why so early?'

"Chief, I'd like a four-year sabbatical to prepare for the millennium."

'I have 3 minutes to find a Valentines card or I'm a dead man.'