Landlord Humorist Pillows

'A thief stole your key? Rats, I'll have to change the lock and reissue keys to the thousands of tenants...'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

Pest Control

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

Complaints at the Beehive Condo

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

"Efficiency tombs available"

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

William and Real Estate

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

Man on an Island has a sign that says: Selling Out Must Vacate Lost Lease.

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

'With my new promotion, I can move us into a bigger shoe.'

"Broken chairs, unmade beds, porridge everywhere... and a one-star review. Worst Airbnb customer ever."

Toughing it out in the real estate game.