Lactose Intolerance Detective Gifts

'I always thought I was lactose intolerant.'

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Like death by salad.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

Critisize your weight.

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Secretive Weigh In.

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

'Diet considerations.'

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"I'm not sure what's causing your stomachache. But I think it's safe to rule out hunger pains."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

Attack of the 'health' foods

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Mind, Body, Spirit (and Food Court).

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

"Ah — excellent catsup."

The Nihilist Deli.

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

"Frankly, dear, I think you've been on this paleo diet much too long!"

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'Remember, chew every bite 32 times.'

"I can't have anything that's a food."

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'