Kitchen Storyteller Gifts

You run away with me, you run away with my family.

'Mary had a little lamb - with mint jelly.'

"The specials today are the Breast of Thyme and the Wurst of Thyme, though I strongly suggest reversing their order."

"Yes, this meatloaf is just like my mother used to make. She never did learn how to cook!"

"When I was young, we personally prepared all the food for each and every meal!"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'It's really more of a family forest than a family tree.'

"First cook the cake, then apply icing sugar and candles..."

True confessions.

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

The Family Joules: Part 21

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"It seems like only yesterday that Dad told me I'll be an adult before I know it."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

Children's Party

"When I was young my parents couldn't afford to give me too much, too soon."

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"