Kitchen Humor Pillows

'I'm not allowed to operate heavy equipment while taking this medication. What do you think the stove weighs?'

'How long have you had these cornflakes, Edna?'

'Regardez - even le grand Escoffier cries quand il slices les onions.'

You run away with me, you run away with my family.

I left the milk out in a sunny spot on the counter today. In this case "warm and fuzzy" is not a good thing.

Beard helper

'I know you are doing your best, but it will be great when Pat comes home.'

'Looks like Mom is making the chicken extra-crispy again.'

"Management wants a word with you."

"These eggs are well past their sell-by date!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"States of tofu"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"5 chocolate brownies, 3 banana muffins, 4 caramel cookies and one cappuccino - skinny."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

How to Deal With Leftover Turkey

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"Charles didn't like tofu."