Kitchen Conqueror Gifts

'I'm busy. Can you make it yourself?'

'There's a pork roast in the oven and a casserole in the microwave....two minutes on high.'

Recipes from Second-Rate Mom Magazine

'Use Anything In This Kitchen At Your Own Risk.'

"And for your dining pleasure this evening, we are offering two choices: take it or leave it!"

'Isn't it wonderful? - every time Dad cooks, he makes smoke signals!'

'Don't let me down - I've bet Mrs Jones 50p you'll eat it.'

'Cleaning the fridge weekly instead of monthly is a very good idea.'

The Colonel at home.

'Toasters don't make toast, people make toast...'

Alex Guarnaschelli

'You are not losing weight! Put down the knife and fork and pick up the dumbbells!'

"OK, so just burn everything to a cinder, act like you know everything, sulk if the kids hate it and that's man-cooking."

'Will you be long, fixing this leak? I'll have to put my Bert's dinner on in ten minutes.'

'Your dinner won't fit in the oven.'

"That's the smoke alarm - our dinner must be ready...!"

'it's about the new extractor fan you fitted...'

'Do you have one for cooking too?'

Health Regime Change: No Fry Zone

'Er...any chance that when you've finished with the kids, the cooking and washing up you could help us develop a new waste management recovery system for the borough?'

'You may have won this time, but I'll be back!'

'When you've finished the washing up and you're certain you've cleaned absolutely everything... you'll always find another teaspoon.'

'It was the last straw when she threw her lumpy gravy over me!'

"That's brilliant, Dennis! I only got two point eight yesterday."

"Where's a fairy godmother when you need one?"

"How’s your arthritis? All your tools are for opening jars."

"When was the last time you cleaned the fridge?"

"I can't get the price sticker off this non stick pan, you sold me!"

"...umm, when was the last time somebody cleaned the fridge?!"

"Do you know I fought an hour with that salmon you're eating."

No more souffles.

"You'll be wanting packet openers: scissors, sharp knife, dynamite?"

"I'm voting for the candidate who promises a chicken in every pot."

"You killed it, you clean it."

"I'm sorry, all our consultants are busy at the moment but please hold and one will be with you just as soon as he has finished the washing-up."