Kitchen Caretaker Gifts

"Since you have a complete record of my life, could you tell me if I remembered to turn the stove off?"

Allotment

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

He acts all cool and feral until the can of food comes out. Jingle jingle jingle.

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

"Mommy's going to teach you how to make a hamburger."

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

"It's time you took a vacation, John. I said to 'marinate'... not 'palpate' the liver!"

Juniors Baby Sitting Service.

'They sure have small litters.'

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

With Wally the hermit crab showing no signs of life, Shirley yields to her kids' pleas and performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

"My God!!..Just how long have we had this Broccoli hiding in the back of the fridge?"

We're looking for a quiet neighborhood where everyone feeds us because they all believe we belong to them.

Lady taking her Cochin chickens for a walk.

Dog Food

The secret lives of household things.

Boys Cooking

Dog wearing a cone around his waist: 'Hemorrhoids.'

My Bowl Is Empty.

"Relax - it's just for a few days until they find a place of their own."

Chef: 'Howz that Octopus coming along Jeff?'

'Please bow your head and cough. I need to check your hairballs.'

"Yes, it is a beautiful day but what makes you think you can go outside and play?"

"With Tia Carmen's chickens, we'll get twice as much candy!"

'In ancient Egypt, cats were treated like gods and in this house, it's pretty much the same: Come in friend...'

'A tiny kitchen, one cook, and great food...I don't know how they do it.'

"Tom, did you forget to feed the pets tonight?"

"He says he can quit anytime, but I'm starting to worry."

'Word to the wise: Always check the cheese for pills.'

'This is taking too long - we'll have to induce hatching.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

Get me a bottle of house white. I need to clean the stainless steel surfaces.

Before you feed him/After you feed him.