Kitchen Calamity Captains T-Shirts

'That's the last time I ever let you try to fix the microwave.'

Is that pancake ready yet?

"It's time you took a vacation, John. I said to 'marinate'... not 'palpate' the liver!"

Roasted

"Hang on, I know I came into the kitchen for something..."

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

Bake off: Flan B

A short-order cook gets sucked into the exhaust vent over the grill.

'Not beans on toast again.' - 'No, toast on beans. I dropped it.'

'We've finished the dishes, Miss. Jenny washes, I wiped, and Susan picked up all the pieces.'

"Larry's made new friends learning to cook. He knows everyone at the Recipe Emergency Hotline."

"Maybe we were wrong to hire him just because he looks good in paper."

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

'3 hamburgers, 2 servings of fries, 1 vanilla shake...'

'Honey, I think you have an error message coming in from the kitchen.'

"What are you looking up, recipes for disaster?"

To her, the four basic food groups are canned, frozen, fast and delivered.

"Is there anyone here who specializes in stress management?"

"...when oil begins shimmering...stir in vegetables and cook until tender."

'Please stand by. We have temporary loss of your roast.'

Dave's How to Puke Book.

Honey, come eat your oatmeal before it sets!

The new microwave has been a great time-saver for Monica, she can burn dinner and still have plenty of time to make restaurant reservations

"Your dinner will be later than expected, but how much later depends on where you go for it."

'That new recipe didn't quite work out. Do you fancy popping down to the chippy?'

'Not to worry Flo - It's only Sid's dinner.'

All sizzle and no roast

'Don't worry, it's all dark meat.'

Smoke gets in your eyes.

"The recipe said to stand in hot water for ten minutes."

'You idiot! I said don't forget to thaw the turkey!'

'Oh no, freezer's on the blink again!'

Fire In Restaurant

I left the milk out in a sunny spot on the counter today. In this case "warm and fuzzy" is not a good thing.