Karmic Comedian Gifts

Funny how everyone you meet up here claims they were vegetarian.

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Sock Puppet in Literature

Optimist

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

'How much would you take off for cash?'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

Applause

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

"I guess your reputation for tipping has preceded you!"

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

We met online.

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

"...and are you, Jessica, committed to this bit?"

'I know you love her and want to protect her. But it's wrong to laminate her.'

Banana

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

And do you, Sue, believe this is the best you can do? / It was a simple ceremony. Perhaps a little too simple.

'Why do I have the felling that your parents don't trust me?'