Charming Comedian Gifts

Dyslexia (dog barking backwards).

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Why we need poetry. . .

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Rap music

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

Toy plane with pilot eject.

'Your place or mine?'

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

A private jet takes off

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

Rodin's Thinker.

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

Exit Next Left

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

Midwest Winter Items.

Car leaving highway crashes through 'EXIT HERE' sign.

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'