Jury Consultant Gifts

"Your Honor, it would be a hardship for me to sit on a long, non-celebrity trial.

'We the jury find my nephew NOT GUILTY.'

'The jury foreman said they that they are unanimously deadlocked.'

"Before announcing our verdict, we'd like to test it on a focus group."

"I don't like the looks of this! That's our jury consultant!"

"Are you sure you want a jury of your peers?"

"Has the jury reached a verdict?" "No, we have not your honor." "Why?" "Well, during lunch someone came in and put it up on a very high shelf, and we have no ladder."

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

'Can you call me back later? I'm trying to think up excuses to get out of jury duty.'

'Well, son, the justice system depends on finding 12 people who are smart and impartial enough to judge the accused intelligently without malice or favor.'

'The good news is I get out of jury duty.'

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

Businesswoman Empowerment

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

The Businessmen Have to Make Decisions from Many Options

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

Brian wanted to call the presentation "Synergy". Paula wanted to call it "Cooperation". They could never agree.

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'Which 'win' is ours? Because the one on the left looks bigger.'