Jovial Elder Pillows

"Time to blow out the candles. Take a deep breath....Ok. Let's try something easier. Take a shallow, raspy breath."

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

Death Photobombs a Holiday

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

Complaints Desk

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

Pie chart of pub conversations

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am.'

Your dad is a union man, isn't he?

"Look - the FIRST EVER picture of a black hole!! What do you think?"

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

"Growing old is not the problem... it's not being rich that's the problem."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Racing - No. II - IV

'You said we can grow our own food. So, where's the hot dog seeds.'

"What a listener. My burden feels lighter already."

'My opinion, right or wrong!'

'Listen, pal, Happy Hour was over ten minutes ago.'

"It's important to learn numbers. Then you can have a pin number and get money from ATMs."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Hunting - No. III

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

"Watkins would like to know if he can leave a few minutes early...he claims he's dying."

"Oh my....Look how much you've grown."

'Every year was the same. There was always some clown or comedian in Brian's intake of pupils.'

'I like to give them a sporting chance.'

"I don't care what they do, as long as they don't mess with the thirty-two-ounce martini."

'Apparently he does 20 yards to the pint.'

'In the event you suffer from Montezuma's Revenge, there's a TV in every bathroom.'

Ad agency

'Rudolf?'

'Wizzo Wotsits - how can I help you? Just putting you through to customer services. . .'

'Dear Customer - Due to economic cutbacks, this year we have produced a 'Round Robin' Christmas Card...'