Jovial Elder Pillows

"Time to blow out the candles. Take a deep breath....Ok. Let's try something easier. Take a shallow, raspy breath."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

Complaints Desk

Death Photobombs a Holiday

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

Pie chart of pub conversations

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am.'

Your dad is a union man, isn't he?

"Growing old is not the problem... it's not being rich that's the problem."

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

"Look - the FIRST EVER picture of a black hole!! What do you think?"

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

"What a listener. My burden feels lighter already."

'You said we can grow our own food. So, where's the hot dog seeds.'

'Listen, pal, Happy Hour was over ten minutes ago.'

"It's important to learn numbers. Then you can have a pin number and get money from ATMs."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Racing - No. II - IV

'My opinion, right or wrong!'

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Hunting - No. III

'Every year was the same. There was always some clown or comedian in Brian's intake of pupils.'

"Watkins would like to know if he can leave a few minutes early...he claims he's dying."

'I like to give them a sporting chance.'

"Oh my....Look how much you've grown."

"I don't care what they do, as long as they don't mess with the thirty-two-ounce martini."

'Apparently he does 20 yards to the pint.'

'In the event you suffer from Montezuma's Revenge, there's a TV in every bathroom.'

'Rudolf?'

'Wizzo Wotsits - how can I help you? Just putting you through to customer services. . .'

'Oops! I should've gone to the bathroom before I came.'

Do you know what girls want?

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