Jolly Investigator Gifts

"I'm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons which I confess are sentimental, I feel I must, just this once, decline my services to Scotland Yard."

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

'Still not ready to talk? Ok dip him again.'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"We'd better watch Cranston. He looks like a whistleblower."

Lady Justice and Confidential Files

Giant pandas doing surveillance in a zoo.

"You're either lying or not telling the truth."

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"It's either the Ten Commandments or the Mueller Report."

'It was part way through the initial investigation that detective Walters felt as if he was being watched, but there was no one in the room. No one that is except the cat, who sat contently on the chair and watched him with an almost human repose.'

The lion statues in front of New York City Library are replaced with spies.

Explorer with enormous magnifying glass.

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

"Absolutely, Senator, in my mind it was always my country first, and obscene profits second."

'Is that a suspicious package in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?'

Office of the Special Investigator: Stepped out to follow the 'money trail'.

'I believe the murderer is in this very room.'

"The DNA sample from the mink fibres found in the suspect's car matched the DNA sample from the mink coat found at the scene of the crime, so I'm thinking, maybe these minks were twins?"

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

"Just as I feared. Tariffs."

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

Redacted Funnies: "Finally, the President blurted out what the country knew all along. . . . . . "

"So then how do you explain trigonometry, tough guy!"

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."