Jolly Gift-giver Pillows

"You're late!"

Amazon Santa

'Free gifts to every kid in the whole world? -- Are you a Keynesian or something?'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

Christmas Presents.

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

Santa 'Freezing' Claus.

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

"Great news! Jim at work's promised to lend me all his World Cup DVDs"

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

A gift for me? It's a cape because I think you're a superhero!

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!

WC problem.

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"I'd hate to see the flea big enough to wear those!"

"This locket contains my very first username and password."

Knowing that Roger loathed the new cat, Janelle tried to win him over by knitting him a pair of boxers made out of fur balls.

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

"...now she's up tp a jumper a week."

'Well, so much for climbing all the way up here to ask him about the meaning of life.'

'Sure - They're still chocolates. It's just that the liver-shaped box was cheaper than the heart-shaped one.'