Jokester About Aging Pillows

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Sounds like cracked ribs. Try loosening your belt."

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

'Retirement is OK, but instead of looking forword to weekends, I'm working at McDonalds.'

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

'Every pacemaker recipient is required to carry jumper cables...'

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"Leaving parties aren't as much fun since they put up the retirement age!"

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

"I know that you've always enoyed your work."

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

'If you're bored do some writing.You could start by writing your will.'

Old People Whisperer

Still Alive

Mountain has tunnel called Carpal Tunnel.

Now showing: Retirement Village Vixens, You must be 65.

'Murder my spouse? Oh, that's nothing but an old wives' tale.'

"Well -- You're over 30 so you probably just slept on it wrong."

'I think I've found your expiration date.'

Global Skate Boards...senior discount: 'High school SENIORS, Dude!'

"Ready for your birthday present dear?" "Leave the diaper on! Leave the diaper on!"

"You have a beautiful smile. It would look great in a glass of water next to my bed."

Mrs. Kimball, it's difficult to discuss your restless leg syndrome when you keep wandering off.

'When I think of all the homework my dog ate, I can hardly believe that I'm sitting at this desk.'

Skeleton on an out of order escalator.