Joke Sharer Pillows

The party, after you left

'What do you mean, our marriage license has expired?'

'If it makes you feel any better, when I was your age, bullies used to put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back, too.'

'...so then I said 'your camera is stealing my soul' and he said 'I'm so sorry - how can I possibly repay you?''

Texting a Joke to my Kids

One of the books was un-red.

'That the biggest fish ever caught here, what bait did you use?'

'The trouble with marriage is the unintended consequences.'

Parting Shot

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

'Your shoe's untied.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

"If I can't ask for more wishes, how about more genies?"

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

Shampoo.

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

How about going easy on the carbs

'Marsha, did you file the Peterson account on the cumulus, stratus, cirrus, or nimbus cloud?'

Doggone

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

Vegetarian Birds

It's estimated that millions of trees are planted by forgetful squirrels.

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."