Joke-cracking Guitarist Gifts

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

I think we should stick to doing this with a piano.

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

'Man, I'm bombing,'

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

'I told you: The way down is faster.'

'While my guitar gently creeks.'

"I'm very highly strung!"

'I think I see why you're progressing slowly in music.'

History's First Prop Gag

It's a Four Seasons sleeping bag.

Early music

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'You sound like a bunch of cats! The growl has to be deeper and the barks crisper. Okay, let's take it again from the first howl.'

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

Serpent Instrument player

'Pluck me.'

"I guess we're kind of the Marsalis Family in reverse

The woodwind section

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

'How can you tell?'

"What do I do when I get to the top?"

Kid, you can't go taking credit cards and identities. It's stealing. Just the same as if you stole something from a store. Yes sir. I want to be a good person. I won't do it anymore. And no freezing my assets. You're no fun at all.

'We got Ethan this accordion to make some extra money. People pay him not to play it.'

Bass Camp

"Nails? - Certainly sir. How long do you want them. . . ?"

'Confessing your sins in a folk ballad was an interesting idea, Larry, but I'm afraid your singing has forced me to add one more sin to your list!'

I can't believe you bought an air guitar on eBay! (Published originally on December 18, 2007.)

Classical Customer Information - "How long is a piece of string quartet?"

"And this time, Figgis, try to play it as if you are not using 'forged notes'."

Big Al's Banjo, Accordion, and Bagpipe Palace - Closed due to Geneva Convention

Classical gas - musician farting music