Joke Appreciation Pillows

Spiv

Billy. The Kid.

"If you really want independence, you should get into contract law."

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"...so it appears we were talking to his butt that entire time."

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

Sign in Lion Enclosure: 'Please Don't Eat the People.'

Laughing Zone Ahead

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'Excuse me, I ordered Matzo Ball soup.'

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

'HEY! Shouldn't that be a reef-knot?!'

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"Have you had a stressful experience lately, such as an accident?"

"...you mean this is the end of the 3 bandidoes?"

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

Aggression/Security

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

'...Oh yeah? Well I've never heard of the 'denture fairy'.'

"...and the dung was this big!.... No...elephant, actually."

Medicine bottle - If symptoms persist, die!

'It's not Spring yet! Go back to sleep!'

'This isn't Armageddon... it's a bar brawl on a Saturday night. Let Pestilence read the map.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

"Today's special is we'll pull the plug on the jukebox if someone else's music annoys you."