Joke Appreciation Gifts

Spiv

Billy. The Kid.

"If you really want independence, you should get into contract law."

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

What's an Imax cave?

"...so it appears we were talking to his butt that entire time."

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

Sign in Lion Enclosure: 'Please Don't Eat the People.'

Laughing Zone Ahead

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

Florist. A vase for everything and everything in its vase.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

'Excuse me, I ordered Matzo Ball soup.'

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

'HEY! Shouldn't that be a reef-knot?!'

Aggression/Security

"Have you had a stressful experience lately, such as an accident?"

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"...you mean this is the end of the 3 bandidoes?"

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

'...Oh yeah? Well I've never heard of the 'denture fairy'.'

"...and the dung was this big!.... No...elephant, actually."

"Today's special is we'll pull the plug on the jukebox if someone else's music annoys you."

Medicine bottle - If symptoms persist, die!

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

Split the last one?