Job Title Enthusiast Pillows

Man: "I'm a freelance executive producer." Woman (thinking): "Unemployed."

'Well actually, I'm a plumber!'

Cleaning Executive and Legal Executive

"I have decided to change your title from Procurement Director to Director of Buying Things."

Why have you called the new post 'assistant deputy administrative project support? Because it sounded better than skivvy.

''Junk Yard Dog' just sounds so much cooler.'

"I know you're the quote, 'company's envelope orderer', but change the acronym."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I think and work spectacularly well either inside or outside the box.'

"Todd was glad he had a support animal."

Resume Dumpers

Over enthusiastic headhunter

'Going back to work now that the kids are grown is one thing, Martha. Mounting a hostile takeover bid of my company is another!'

'Nice work, kid. Looks like you might be ready to sit up at the big boys' table.'

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

"How would you rate your toleration for risk?"

'Get out there and keep your job!'

Infection Control Center. Now Hiring. I should have said "I'm not afraid of hard work" rather than "I don't mind getting my hands dirty."

'hard work and more hard work got me where I am today...Not my hard work of course.'

Now hiring.

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

'My strength lies in my ability to deny my weaknesses.'

"Excuse me, Mr Newton, but some of the employees think that your promotion has gone to your head."

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

"You come highly recommended. I like that."