Employment Enthusiast Pillows

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'We're extending an offer of employment to you contingent upon the results of a drug test, psychological consultation...'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"We ran hundreds of ads, searched the state before we got her..."

'Do you want a salary or benefits?'

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

'Go out and find a job! And while you're at it, see if you can find me a job too!'

'I'm going to write a salary figure on this piece of paper. You tell me if it is acceptable or too high.'

'Welcome aboard! Of course, we start downsizing tomorrow so you'll be the first to go.'

Career Paths Inc.

'How are the job opportunities here tonight?'

'Two jobs? -- Oh, the greedy type, eh?'

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

'Interesting. . . I see you have a degree in 'Under Achieving'. . .'

'I don't usually deal with headhunters on jobs that pay $21,500.'

"I told you they had a tough interview process here."

'Don't get me wrong, I love children. I'm just not ready to hire them.'

'You got yourself a job? -- Don't you care what happens to me?'

Abuse or harassment of staff will not be tolerated

'I received matching offers.'

'I see you worked here seven years ago. Don't you have a better reference than that?'

"I'm from the Duvall Executive Search Agency, and I leave no stone unturned."

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

"That was a good interview. Do you have any other questions about this company?"

"Originally I was resting before I was between engagements ... I'm out of work now and next month I'll be counted as unemployed ."

"I'd pay you the living wage, but well, you know..."

5 YEARS AGO

Now Hiring

'I have never met anyone so unsuited for the position they've applied for. Could you start right away?'

"He's very proud of the progress he's made..."

'Who said honesty is the best policy?'

"Maybe we apply as a group....crowdsourcing employment."

Compete with This

The Greatest Resignation

Tonight's Lecture: Employment Trends. Let's face it, Ernie --- the only lifetime employment we can expect is working on our resumes.