Job Jazzers Gifts

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'Go right in -- he's expecting you.'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Look Billington, if you can't take the strain, tell me, ok?"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'I find my job interesting because even after 27 years, I still don't know exactly what I'm doing here!'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Guess which "squeaky wheel" got another raise.

"You don't mind the psychometric test, do you?"

'You call it diversified work experience.. I call it can't hold a job.'

SNAKE CHARMER: snake reads 'help wanted' ad.

'Yes sir, I'll get right on it. Would you like it done with or without gusto?'

"Misunderstood,overworked,underpaid and stressed, it's bound to lead to depression...still enough of my problems,what can I do for you?"

'Welcome aboard, Bob. Your job is to figure out what the hell happened here.'

'What do I do around here? Sir, I really think I deserve some time for research and preparation before answering that.'

(an employee is in grasp of a giant octopi.The employee's boss is yelling at him through a bull-horn) 'Mr. Smith! According to H.R., you can no longer be employed here! Alright H.R., you can set Mr. Smith down now!'

'Regarding where you stand for a payrise - you don't.'

Waiter: 'I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'll act like I'm waiting on you.'

Jack and the Beanstalk.

Why do you want a career in the bank?

"You should be grateful your hours are such that you're able to work 3 jobs."

'Word has it that you have an ulcer, Tomkins. Nice going! You'll find an extra 20 bucks in your paycheck.'

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

'I'm married to my job, and now it wants a trial separation!'

"I'd like you to consider some of our exciting career opportunities working for anyone else but me."

I avoided the layoff, but they transferred me to the high-wire act. At least it's steady work.

Just a little heads up!

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who?

'Uh-oh... the boss is wearing his safety boots! That means, someone will get kicked out today!'

"I dreamed last night that I had a job within walking distance."