Job Center Employee Gifts

'You're no longer entitled to benefit of the doubt.'

'There's no vacancy for piss-artist-in-residence at the moment.'

'Simkins, you're fired!'

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

"Wait a minute...Aren't you the bloke who told me I didn't have what it takes to be a fire fighter?!"

National Living Wage from April 1st.

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"May I put you on hold? I was on another line."

"We’re a lending aquarium."

All of our representatives are busy right now. Stay on the line and someone will be with you in a few miles.

"Hi, you've reached Susan's desk. I am monotasking right now, so I'll call you back it's the phone's turn again. Beep!"

"Nice talking to you too, even if you are a recorded message."

'To hear our privacy policy, please tell us you credit card and social security numbers...'

Smoking Area. Oh, I don't smoke. I'm just addicted to ten-minute breaks.

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

"Sorry for the wait, our computers are down. We have to do everything manually."

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

"911, what is your major malfunction?"

"Our cloud computing services include IaaS, PaaS, SaaS, NaaS, CaaS...and BaaS!"

'It just dawned on me that every time we make a phone call, it's a robocall.'

"Did you remember to cancel the scam phone calls?"

"I've been kept on hold so often, I'm really developing a taste for easy listening music."

The Communicator

'I don't want to talk to any flunkies. Put me straight through to the computer.'

"Please stay on the line – your caul is important to us."

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"Thank you for holding. . .Your call is important to us. . .Yeah right."

"Jones is our go-to-thankless-job-guy!"

"Hello?"

'I hate my life.

"Wow! Good news - the line is getting shorter!"

"Have you tried turning off your conscious mind and then turning it back on again?"

"You can't say that to a customer!"

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."