Jidrovers Gifts

"Not bad for prison Hooch. It lacks body, but I ain't complaining. The last time someone did, he added one."

"What colour do you have to get before the big kids leave you alone?"

'Rehab centre' "I'm addicted to Irvine Welsh"

'If someone farts in the forest and there's no one around to smell it, does it make a stink?'

"Oh just ignore him!...he always shows off when we have visitors!"

"Life After a Circus Bankruptcy."

We don't want statistics that reflect the actual market situation. We want statistics that reflect what was decided in this boardroom!

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

"History test? But I studied all night for a math test!"

'Father, meet Sister Kate, she shimmies like a jelly upon a jelly plate.'

As you like it - One way of catching fish

'That seating section is for video gamers only.'

"Thank you for 30 years of teaching service. Now you have 5 minutes to turn in your keys, I.D. card, empty your desk and be escorted out."

'This is getting to be too much for me. I'm thinking of becoming a middlebrow.'

"I owe my success to him. I figured, if he can make it, so can I."

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

"What a listener. My burden feels lighter already."

"He'll never be good enough to snatch this pebble from my hand."

'Face it, Frank - After 40 we all need glasses.'

"We just got back from Alaska, where we saw the cutest little glaciers."

'Those, honey? Those are books. That's what they make movies from.'

"Once upon a time, in a land far away...."

101 Ways to Play the Old-Person Card

"This guy's good!"

'In the event you suffer from Montezuma's Revenge, there's a TV in every bathroom.'

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

There's no pleasing him. He tells me to go the extra mile and then compalins when I'm late for work!

"The script is based on a book I'm about to write"

In Case of Rising Sea Levels Please Break Glass

'Yes, it's very good, but I'm afraid it's already been done, Mr. Nutkin.'

Chiropractor

Your ability to work under pressure is evident.

'The first move you must learn, is how to open your wallet and pay for your lessons.'

'Your Latest Book? Just giving it some attention'