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"Not bad for prison Hooch. It lacks body, but I ain't complaining. The last time someone did, he added one."

"What colour do you have to get before the big kids leave you alone?"

'Rehab centre' "I'm addicted to Irvine Welsh"

"Oh just ignore him!...he always shows off when we have visitors!"

"Life After a Circus Bankruptcy."

We don't want statistics that reflect the actual market situation. We want statistics that reflect what was decided in this boardroom!

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

"Thank you for 30 years of teaching service. Now you have 5 minutes to turn in your keys, I.D. card, empty your desk and be escorted out."

'That seating section is for video gamers only.'

'Father, meet Sister Kate, she shimmies like a jelly upon a jelly plate.'

As you like it - One way of catching fish

"History test? But I studied all night for a math test!"

'This is getting to be too much for me. I'm thinking of becoming a middlebrow.'

"I owe my success to him. I figured, if he can make it, so can I."

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

"What a listener. My burden feels lighter already."

"He'll never be good enough to snatch this pebble from my hand."

'Face it, Frank - After 40 we all need glasses.'

"We just got back from Alaska, where we saw the cutest little glaciers."

'Those, honey? Those are books. That's what they make movies from.'

"Once upon a time, in a land far away...."

101 Ways to Play the Old-Person Card

'In the event you suffer from Montezuma's Revenge, there's a TV in every bathroom.'

'Yes, it's very good, but I'm afraid it's already been done, Mr. Nutkin.'

"The script is based on a book I'm about to write"

In Case of Rising Sea Levels Please Break Glass

Chiropractor

Your ability to work under pressure is evident.

'The first move you must learn, is how to open your wallet and pay for your lessons.'

"I hate how they always try to smarten up the book."

Angela Carter