Jeweller Pillows

'I'm afraid we must move with the times, Mr Bagley.'

'I'm afraid it's not gold-plated after all.'

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

"Julie, are you sure you haven't done this before?"

"This isn't 'just a cheap knockoff', sir. We charge quite a bit for it."

Your gallstones polished & mounted.

'My husband wants to see your most expensive diamonds.'

Jewellers - wrist watches,

J. Parry Clockmaker

"What time do you close?"

'Look - I'm sure this one won't slip down the plug hole.'

Jeweller - Valuables Removed Nightly.

Gold by the inch, spaghetti by the yard.

Closed at 1, Open at 2, but to you...1:45.

"I don't want the sparkle of the diamond you're buying blinding me!"

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

Ears Pierced While You Wait

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

'We would like to buy three rings... Engagement, wedding and teething!'

50,000 BC: The First Engagement Ring.

Found pearls! No way I'm leaving. . . Amelia.

Jewellers for the Rich and Famous

'How do you like the ring?' - 'So that's what they do with the bits they cut off real diamonds.'

It is my mother's, she uses it as an anchor for our yacht.

'Oh my God. I love it!'

"I wish I had her jewelry." "I wish I had his wife." "I wish I had her figure." "I wish I had his money."

Venn Diagram: DIamonds

'Go ahead and laugh, but I lose my keys less frequently than you do.'

Life Store Guide: Make-up and jewellery

Jewellery Shop: Disposable income spoken here.

Diamond outfits

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"My wife wanted to see a diamond. So I took her to a ballgame."

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

"Diamonds are so three billion years ago..."