Jello Humorist Gifts

"Should't we have a better backup system in case our monitoring equipment goes down than a bowl of jello?"

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

Fleas Navidad.

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.' (at restaurant with three kids)

"Merry Christmas"

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

Gangsta wrap.

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Hellbillies.

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

Elf of the Month

"Maybe this year..."

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

Hipster Police Department

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"If you hurry, you can make the matinée."

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

During a respite in union negotiations, simmering tensions boil over as some disgruntled members of the toymakers elf union take matters in their own hands.

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

C is for Cracker

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

Easter Island heads bunny ears.