Jargon Detective Gifts

"Prioritising focus based paradigms with an outcome driven programme, blah, blah." "Did you understand any of that?" "Only the Blah! Blah! bit."

Torturing the English Language

Motor Co - It's from Head Office, we've all got to be Crypton tuned.

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"We have an acronym!"

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

A Bloody Butcher

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'Would everyone please phrase their questions in ones and zeros please.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

'Sorry to interrupt Dixon - but this is not what I meant when I said this company needed more blue-sky thinking!'

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"There's a conversation to be had around a piece of work I'd like us to do tonight."

"It's a swearbox."