Jargon Decoders Gifts

'I was on the wall for the whole meeting, but I just couldn't follow all the jargon.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Torturing the English Language

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"We have an acronym!"

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

A Bloody Butcher

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'Would everyone please phrase their questions in ones and zeros please.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

"It's a swearbox."

'Sorry to interrupt Dixon - but this is not what I meant when I said this company needed more blue-sky thinking!'

"There's a conversation to be had around a piece of work I'd like us to do tonight."

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

"We owe our success to teamwork. Without it we could never have grasped at so many straws."

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"Abbreviations here, abbreviations there, and one is more incomprehensible than the next!"

"I do like you, Peter, but interfacing is a very serious step."

"I'll start thinking outside the box when the box is empty."

Harris, our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done.

'I was headhunted.'

'I'm very worried that if we fail to introduce rigid protocols to maximise client gratification indices within acceptable costbenefit parameters to ensure enhanced margins...then we'll have missed the whole point of what Christmas is about!!!'

"Remember, when they go low... we observe shareholder value and act accordingly."

'All my venture capital is tied up in Miss Umpley, there.'

"The subaqueous qualities of the biomorphic forms spacially undermine the larger metaphorical resonance of the mark-making."