Jaded Jokers Pillows

Born Cynical,,,,

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'If someone farts in the forest and there's no one around to smell it, does it make a stink?'

Photobooth Photobomb

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

Giggle.

'In a slight change to the programme, the second year jazz quartet aren't playing 'Hello Dolly'. They are however playing truant!'

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

National Optometrists Association. O.K., whose idea was it to form a focus group?…

'When did the treadmill replace the rat race?'

Boy: 'DAD, the lawnmower's started SMOKING again!'

Prosecutor's Office. The judge threw out the confession --- He said it was coerced. You violated the duress code!

"We're having a problem naming him. All the domain names we like are already taken!"

"At least you made it into the hallway."

"But he's way more fun than the rubber ducky."

Musical Accidents

'Second fastest gun in the west.'

Old basketball players never die. . . they just pick and roll.

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

'And make sure you use the AUTOMATED teller, you old goat!'

"So...are you still saving up to buy a 1964 Chevy Impala now that Joey has one?"

'You say you saw my client do it. OK, but what if the jury doesn't believe you? Try to think outside the witness box.'

Louie 'The Egg' Spignoli, The Hangman's Nightmare

I was found guilty, eight of the jury were my ex-wives.

"On my right is Mr. Darius, who'll fill you in on our corporate counterculture."

Pinata Pranks

The Jury Decides.

"It was 'im wot ruffled me bonce, judge, as I was politely getting into 'is car."

'As to my clients guilt... let me be perfectly vague.'

'I don't think the posts online are for scratching.'

"Oh, bugger!"

"You'll have to chuck it back- it's Kylie Minnow."

Gift Suggestions for Post-Diamond Wedding Anniversaries

'I think I'll walk to work today.'