Irony Identifier Pillows

Senator Roy Blunt R-Missouri tweeted, "Senate Dems have obstructed POTUS' nominees at every turn..." Makes you wonder where this rodent was hiding during President Obama's eight years?

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Backfire

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."