Irony Identifier Pillows

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Backfire

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"How do you do it, hon? Marriage, kids, civic responsibilities, managing a multi-million dollar business and still finding time to do an 18-month stretch for securities fraud?"

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'