Irony Appraiser Gifts

'I'm a big fan of your work.'

"Sorry, sir, but you can't collect on your life insurance policy when you don't have a life."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."