Ironist Who Loves A Twist Pillows

Two poachers confronting a child

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

The Final Selfie

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

'Our ceiling is under repair--sorry.'

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

Perfection Troubleshootors.

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

"Oh sure, it's easy to blame your husband, when he's not here to defend himself."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"The house next door is slated for demolition, but your house is in the way."