Ironist Extraordinaire Pillows

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

A woman floats in the pool under the shade of an airplane

Lactose Intolerant

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

"Admit it, we're lost."

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

"Of course it's not clean energy -- We don't have clean ANYTHING!"

Armed forces waiting with nothing to do.

"I see the downsizing continues."

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Man commiting suicide finds the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

''Science moves but slowly, slowly, creeping on from point to point'. Tennyson.'

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

'Center for the Study of Murphy's Law' (Closed today because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.)

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

'Our goal is for you to successfully transition to your new job before retirement age.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."