Ironically Tough Pillows

"Why is it every time I need to go somewhere, the driverless car is taking itself for a spin?"

"Oh boy! I've won the- "

There were times when Ralph wished god didn't move in such mysterious ways.

"We don't share your information with anyone. Plus, nobody listens to us anyway."

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

"Y' know, Robert, they say it's unhealthy to bring your work home with you."

'Let's keep going. Maybe we'll get there in time for the net olympics.'

"You know Mike, you're so boring, you're interesting!"

"We were all given motivational videos at work today. All it shows is our boss shouting and sacking people."

Feel good loser. NON WINNER

'Gloria, I want you to meet my significant other.'

Young Che Guevara contemplates a career in t-shirt design.

"Honey, it's me. Listen, I'm having second thoughts on fish for dinner."

'I think I'm right for this job because I'm a real people person. Now, are you going to hire me or not? I don't have all freakin' day!'

"There must be a mistake, I'm a tee-total vegan!"

'When he said he loved going to Wendy's, I just assumed fast food...'

'Note to self... remove slot machine before next meeting.'

At the agrophobic self help group's annual picnic.

'I was caught jogging past an Olympics sponsor's fat and sugar outlet.'

"I'll take a salad, add bacon bits, extra cheese, dressing, and powdered sugar, not lettuce."

'It's my hard and fast rule never to have a drink as long as I can see the sun!'

"I wasn't paying attention in school and accidentally became an attorney."

Right way

"Well, this is the moment we've been waiting for - the hacker who stole our identities just got hacked by another hacker who thought he was hacking us."

Social Media

"Dress is casual here. We don't pay our workers enough to buy suits."

'Stop acting so shifty. How could our dirty weekend possibly go wrong?'

Support group for the accident-prone: Watch Your Step